Why Men Can Not Win Arguments With Women

By Ross Chandler

Arguments in relationships are unavoidable. You are not a clone one of the other. There are many differences psychologically, biologically, and environmentally between the sexes. Different points of view are supposed to be healthy in the long view. The problem is most disagreements are about issues in the immediate past or projected as a problem in the immediate future. Over the years I have come to following observations: (Note: I do not presume to know how women think!)

ü Men must sometime choose between being “Right” and peace and quiet. If you get hit in the pedestrian cross walk by a bus, being right and not getting out of the way is being stupid.

ü On the petty stuff keep it low-key, or just let it go. Take the garbage out, turn down the air conditioner, tell her its ok to get another cat, get a haircut, etc.

ü There is no quick argument. You are committed from 20+ minutes to infinity. Arguing time is time the man is not watching a favorite sport or engaging in a favorite hobby.

ü Men will lose most (or all) of any arguments about emotional issues. Women can spring frustrating issues out of nowhere. The best tact is to ask, “How can I help” or “What do you want me to do”. Then shut up and listen!

ü Some hot issues brought up by women are to learn more (pro or con) about the subject. She argues the other side but is gathering information from the man about the subject.

ü Sometimes women bring forth a tirade because of emotional issues men will never understand. The best male response may be a non-verbal position of listening with sincere emphaty. Women sometime talk through their issues all by themselves.

ü Some arguments sink into a black hole without either of you knowing how you got there.

ü Really bad arguments can also expand into civil war with families and against families.

Another observation is that, “Women not only can use illogical examples, they actually work for them.”

Example 1: After 45 minutes of arguing and he thinks he is winning. She says, “You just argue better than I do!” Forget any logical response to this one. The man loses if he takes the bait and tries to argue she does or she doesn’t.

Example 2: Sometimes this is a festering argument just waiting to be activated again when you get home. She quotes what you said Saturday, three weeks ago, in junior high, or whatever. You deny saying it, but she can prove your memory is poor because you can’t remember saying it! Forget trying to argue your way out of this logically.

Example 3: You think you have developed a new brilliant strategy on the next argument on a petty subject. Twenty minutes into the argument you switch side and say, “I agree with you”. However, she stays mad because you did not agree sooner or you are just being condescending.

Example 4: After 45 minutes of non-stop verbal warfare. She says her piece and ends up with "Let's stop arguing please." You think this is a truce, timeout, or compromise and readily agree. However, she has won because she got the last word in!

The hard part is finding the middle ground and diffusing the hurt feelings. I recommend compromise, truce, or timeout whenever possible. Got a dinner at her mother’s house this weekend? Fine. Next weekend the two of you are going fishing. Compromise is fine, but men must make sure they are giving as much as they are getting.

Arguing is not all bad. Arguing also sparks up the relationship and can lead to a better understanding about issues. If nothing else the man (or women) learns never to bring that up again! Women want a man to respectfully stand his ground on issues; agreeing with her on most issues can also cause problems in the relationship. Finally, men will learn (sooner or later) there is no winner in an argument with a female.