Chemical Abusers: Chameleon Like Personalities

By Ross Chandler

Many alcohol and drug abusers develop a chameleon like personality with a collection of tactics to dodge, use, and abuse those around them. Victim examples are parents, children, spouses, employers, concerned friends, and occasionally doctors and counselors. These tactics also seem to follow similar patterns for both alcohol and drug abusers. It is almost like they are issued and rigorously use a handbook that could be titled, “Chemical Abusers Survival Guide”.
Over time these life strategies jell into specific patterns of abnormal behavior also know as emotional defense mechanisms. To be brief, only the four most common tactics will be noted in this article:
1. Self Pity: The “poor-little-old-me” routine is an early favorite and extracts the rescuer, nurturing need for most of us to help the unfortunate. However, as one rescuer gets used up, another is often standing by to take their place. The abuser commonly uses expressions such as “Only you understand,” “I know I can count on you,” “Without your help I don’t know what I would do” . . . ad infinitum. What the abuser wants is an off-the-shelf rescuer response on demand with the abuser maintaining absolute freedom to do as they please.
Unfortunately, the rescuer is slow to figure out he or she is being used so the abuser does not have to pay the dues of their abuse. In alcohol abuse treatment a common expression is, “Every bad check you make good buys another drinking bout.”
2. Promises and Charm: This tactic is usually employed to get something now in exchange for the promise of the abuser doing something later (tomorrow, next week, next pay day, etc.). The superficial charm and sincerity is overwhelming with all the right implied or expressed promises.
Unfortunately, (by accident or design) something gets in the way of the abuser following through on their end of the commitment. Some abusers have even mastered the technique of making their failure to deliver the fault of the person they have duped.
3. Condemning Others: This strategy is to be quick with condemning judgment of others by picking on and magnifying weaknesses. The abuser that favors this technique is also often overbearing and unpredictable. He or she likes the shock effect they have on others.
The primary motivation for this behavior is they are less vulnerable about their own serious problems when they are on the verbal attack. In addition, family and concerned friends are also less likely to say anything negative about the abuser to avoid the sharp criticism being turned on them.
4. Imposing Control: In most cases, this is one of the later stages and develops as the abusers behavior becomes increasingly dangerous, anti-social, illegal, and/or immoral. He or she feels they must control people around them as the abusers life problems become intense. This defensive behavior develops both as insulation from criticism and protection of access to the chemicals of choice. Most often the abusers believes the booze and/or drugs are the only things keeping them going.
Self-pity, promises and charm become less used and the abusers behavior becomes rigidity, anger, belligerency, aggression, self-righteousness, and grandiosity. In many cases, the abuser becomes a master or demigod and cracks the whip and everybody jumps. Family and concerned friends become only “reaction” oriented and lose the ability to initiate meaningful positive interaction with the abuser. Some abusers will go to extremes with threats of suicide, physical abuse, arson, and even murder. In these cases, the chemical abuser has become a domestic terrorist. Worst of all, family members caught up in this life style can also become increasingly sick, depressed, and/or suicidal.
Those around them are now on standby to provide loans, cover up, rescue, pay medical bills, pay fines/bail, cover bad checks, and pick up the pieces of the latest abuse episode. The scary part is many people get very good at it and become “co-dependent” rescuers. They commonly seek the mental rewards of “See how good I am as fixing things” “Only I could do this”, “My reward will be in heaven”, and “All the others have given up but I never will”.
Because of the strife, unstable conditions, gloom and doom, family members often retreat into a shell of emotional paralysis. They often become lethargic, hopeless, and respond like robots with the abuser pushing the control buttons. Some will also abuse alcohol and/or drugs to get relief.
If any of this sounds familiar you may need to talk to an alcohol or drug abuse counselor.