Almost Last Diet

By Ross Chandler

I am considering a new diet program for people with good intentions. Studies show that overweight people try at least 7 different diets in their lifetime with little success. So why not concentrate on marketing to at least six unsuccessful diets so people can at least feel better when they are trying to lose weight.
How does the following sound?
Our scales only read in inches; i.e. I am 11 inches short (Can’t do much about my height!)
Membership fee is $1,000 per year, but you do not have to show up for any meetings or workouts.
Our weight loss foods include: “Slim Slow,” “Just a little energy bar”, and a diet aid capsule for men that is a combination of Viagra, Vitamin B-12, and “No Dose.”
We also have accessory items: Boomerang belts, self-tying shoestrings, slim image mirrors, and super stretch underwear.
We also have our own 12-step program. The first step is the understanding we may be powerless over our weight but don’t want a lot of help with it.
We also market a perfume called “Heavy Impression” for people who want to smell better than they look.
We even have a “Job Search Program” for our members and have the following positions open:
o Furniture tester for Log Cabin Furniture.
o Skin sensitivity experiments for sun burn, fire ants, and snake bite.
o Sparing partner for a Sumo Wrestler.
o Live fire target tow for the Abrams Tank Training Center.
o Elevator tester for Magnum High Rise Construction Company.
o Bouncer for Momma’s Bar & Bordello in Medulla, Colombia
We also are addressing certain legal issues such as:
o Handicapped Parking Permit for anyone 12” or more short.
o No stairs over 7 steps.
We also give a chocolate colored 30 day chip with a bite out of it for those members that tough it out through the first 30 days.
Finally, we issue a membership and identity card with your high school graduation picture on it and encourage everyone to check the Box “Early Organ Donor.” You then become a participant in the nationwide “Save Someone Else’s Life Program.” In case of an accident, “You will only be asked once if you’re okay.”